Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So this girl at a coffee bar came up to me and said I was kinda cute. Kinda? Well, thanks, you sort of fat b!tch.

   Dear credit card company, Your endless calls are a waste of both your time and mine. If you were dumb enough to approve me for a credit card at the height of my alcoholism... be smart now and realize my sober ass isn't payin' you sh!t.

   Lying in bed last night unable to sleep and my girlfriend asked me how many sexual partners I've had. Counting them certainly put me to sleep.

   Why isn't there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"

   I hate when women look at me as a sex object.. Girl, objects don't move the way I do... ;)

   Women must love you because you are the biggest d!ck I have ever seen

   I had to complain to my neighbor again about her sunbathing while I am NOT at home

   I was born in the 70's.......which means the Doctor probably needed to use a weed whacker to get me out!

   My girlfriend told me that I need to treat her like she is something precious... So I threw her into a Volcano.

   I really think that Rihanna's last name is Featuring.

   They say every birth is a miracle of God but after watching these people at Walmart they would probably become atheist.

   What if I am sexy and I don't know it?

   If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.

   People who are offended by offensive things offend me.

   "Latin , Latin smooth as satin que hora es it's Latin time!!"

   roses are red, violets are blue, as a matter of fact the best films are too!

   My wife said she would jump in front of a bullet for me. I got my gun out. She is such a liar.

   Go down a waterslide when it isn't wet and then you'll understand the importance of foreplay.

   she offered her honor. he honored her offer. and all through the night, it was on honor and offer.

   Glad the Facebook IPO finally gave Zuckerburg enough money to buy...sorry! I meant find, the mail order bride he always wanted.