Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guess whose filing for a divorce....Tom's wife from Myspace!

   Well I tried watching the eclipse but the damn moon was in the way!

   People only bring up your past when they are intimidated by your present!

   There's no need to rush. If something's meant to be, it'll happen in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason.

   Any dude who waits for Valentines Day to treat his woman like a Queen is failing 364 days a year.

   Mark Zuckerberg got married today. His new wife set her relationship status to "CHA-CHING!!"

   Kids are ridiculous these days, when we were young, we took spelling tests, not pregnancy tests.

   Who else backspaces their whole password, even if only one letter is wrong?

   In your bed: it's 6:00, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 7:45. At school: it's 1:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 1:31.

   usually if ur driving behind a person who has a TAPOUT sticker on the of back of their car window... chances are they are a huge pu$$y !

   Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up!! You don't know where it's been!!!"

   now that Zuckerberg is married, if he divorces does she get the "face" half or the "book" half

   Two lesbians walk into a bra....................(Yes,,that was a typo, but I liked it so much, I kept it.)

   I like getting drunk because I love it when the whole world revolves around me.

   I may not open a lot of doors for women, but I do kill a lot of dragons for them.

   Music is the best Time Machine.

   Sometimes I look at what someone is wearing and I can't help but think, "Damn GIRL, did you give up on life?"

   F*CK You ↑ You ↖ You ↗ You ↙ You → You ↓ You ↩ You ↪ You ↬ You ↫ You ↪ You ↩ You ↲ You ↯ You ↱ You ↰ You ↷ You ↳ You ↶ You ↴ You ↵ And You ↺

   Who the Hell puts Gary is a Moose and thought that ish would be funny? Last time I checked Gary is a pet Snail...... off of SpongeBob!!!

   If you're offended by a woman's foul mouth... then you've probably never made one cumm! :)