Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those friends of yours who only call you when they're driving? They're bored, stuck in a car and totally using you

   If you take the number of minutes it took someone to text you back, multiply it by five & subtract your age, you've got WAY too much free time.

   Saw a lady walking her son through my neighborhood on a leash, so naturally I asked if I could pet him.

   Note to self: Don't taunt the neighbor's bull dog while wearing flip flops. 

   Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it!! .......You know the same could be said for condoms!!!

   S.K.O.O.P.= Something Kooky Or Otherwise Pathetic

   Sorry son, we can't go get ice cream because mommy went to Kohl's 20 times last month.

   Since it's Hump Day Wednesday, rather than have my usual can of Redbull, I'll try Redbone, "She'll give me brain"

   It's a shame that most things aren't pies... More things should be pies.

   I tried grilling a chicken at lunch time. "Ok, I'll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?"

   well, I was going to Google something.. but ended up playing the electric piano instead. Thanks Google."

   My ex girlfriend looks like she hit a wall... And kept running into it over and over.

   I let my girlfriend wear the pants in our relationship, but it's me that decides when they come off!

   I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.

   If I started my own Chip Company, I'd fill the bags to the top!

   We live in a culture where we are surrounded by smart phones and stupid people.

   Thanks to push-up bras and low cut shorts, I can now get to 2nd base w/ your girlfriend just by looking at her FB profile pic.

   Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me a damn secrets???

   S.I.N.G.L.E. = (S)tress (I)s (N)ow (G)one (L)ife's (E)asier

   Strange how I'm only on Facebook when I'm on the toilet... I'm literally giving a s$it while reading stuff I don't give a s$it about.