Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes women look at menus like they've never seen or heard of food before.

   Some People can be so horrible...to look at.

   Never getting married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me it's okay to emotionally torture someone.

   My gangsta lean is just scoliosis.

   Let the record show the plaintiff wore an Ed Hardy shirt, skinny jeans & Crocs before the assault. Your honor, he was clearly asking for it.

   I dream of a world where bl@ck men buy smaller pants and wh!te men buy bigger shirts so we don't have to see all those boxers and beer guts.

   I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.

   If your body is a temple, I have a confession to make.

   A huge ass spider crawled across my bed and now I can't sleep because the firefighters are here putting out the mattress flames.

   Apparently I offended a midget with one of my jokes. I told him to grow up.

   When the going gets tough the tough get vodka.

   I hate when I run into the one that got away at the grocery store… and she's all like “There's the son of a b!tch who kidnapped me!”

   Always be yourself. Unless you need a ride home from the airport, then be whoever's name is on the closest limo driver's card.

   When Zuckerberg's wife divorces him… I hope she takes the half of Facebook that has the timeline and security settings.

   Tiger Woods has gotten so bad that bl@ck people are starting to acknowledge his other nationalities.

   If your bio says “Single and looking for fun” you better be ugly or we'll know you're sp@m. Pretty women don't look for fun… fun finds them.

   If you love something, let it go... down on you.

   I bought some skinny jeans… but they're 2 sizes too big, so I just call them jeans.

   When I'm at the bar, I buy women drinks based on how high their heels are just so I'll have something to laugh at later when they're drunk.

   I just drank a whole pot of coffee and now I can stutter in sign language.