Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The American dream is no longer owning your own home. Its moving out of moms.

   the inventor of the remote control died yesterday. As per his wishes, he'll be buried in between 2 couch cushions.

   Attention girls who make the Duck Face- THOSE are not the lips guys are interested in seeing all swollen.

   You know what don't make sense!!!? Fat people with skinny arms.......

   When I go out to eat I put a tampon in my pocket. If my waitress acts like a c*nt guess what her tip is?

   You know that feeling when you know you're doing something wrong but you just keep doing it anyway? That's how I feel all the time.

   My girl asked me over and over and over to go to the store to get her some tampons. I got tired of heaqing it so I told her to put a sock in it.

   dear Warner Bros: Now that I'm an adult, I feel I'm am old enough to hear what the “Beep Beep” is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.

   I managed to work out by tracing backwards to where my relationships with women started to go wrong... I traced it back to... "and God created Eve."

   named my daughter after my mother in law. In fact Psychopathic Maniac turns 3 tomorrow

   Like if you remember the cereal called "freakies" ...google if you don't ..gotta love the 70's

   Never give a woman a straight answer. Give them gay answers, they love gay answers.

   I can count to five in Spanish. Maybe Pitbull will let me be on his next album

   Random fact of the day, Americans piss out 114,000,000 gallons a day...that's 172 Olympic sized swimming pools of piss being disposed everyday!!!!!

   Yesterday I asked my girlfriend what she'd like for her birthday... She's still talking.

   I'm lucky. I have no problem getting my husband to wear his wedding ring. He says it's a chick magnet.

   Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it's my modesty that stands out.

   Biologically speaking, the human body requires certain things to work in order to make a baby. Unfortunately a brain isn't one of them.

   Whenever I get a friend request Facebook should allow me free access to their wall and pics regardless of privacy settings so I can see who I'm dealing with. Some of you are so creepy your profile pic might as well be a white panel van.

   I just figured out what it is I say to people to get them to tell me their innermost, messed-up thoughts: "Hi."