Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone else feel that the only reason to drink coffee is so you are awake enough to go shopping at the liquor store or is it just me?

   If I were a bathroom tile salesmen,my pitch would be:"Think how great this will look in the background of your social network pics..."

   I'm an Axe murderer. I'll murder anyone wearing or purchasing Axe body spray.

   Fortunately women have the miraculous ability to change the meaning of their actions after the event.

   When push comes to shove, when the going gets tough, when all hell breaks loose and the sh*t hits the fan, and when all else has failed, it is I who will recite old movie quotes while waiting for somebody to do something useful.

   I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"

   Makeup? Nowadays, it's more like cake-up.

   Women are like steaks. They should be a little thick,really juicy and eaten at least once a week

   Before I get into the shower at the gym I yell "Hey Fag!" If any one turns around I leave.

   Women, not all guys talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants.

   There's something about you I don't like, but I can't seem to put my middle finger on it.

   My wife was absolutely furious when she discovered I had untagged myself from some photos she put on Facebook. I said, "They were really embarrassing!" "Embarrassing???" She screamed, "It was our f*cking wedding day you b@stard!"

   Don't know what I'd do with my life if Facebook didn't notify me that my hundreds of friends changed their profile picture every 5 minutes.

   A spider the size of a golf ball is in my kitchen so I guess this is my last Sta

   I stole this status... So feel free to use it and amaze your friends... They'll think you're really smart and sh*t!

   If you're reading this and you're under 12 years old... Don't grow up, it's a f*cking trap.

   Considering how wonderfully the day is going, I think I'm down to plan Q today.

   What do you call a black businessman? A drug dealer.

   See?? I told you not to let me hold the chainsaw,,,,,, Now clean up this mess and think about what I've done.

   You have to work to get me and you have to work to keep me.