Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You own my heart, she is just renting", said a man caught cheating.

   this girl I met in the bar the other night warned me that she isnt into one night stands...I told her to relax as I'm not into that myself- I said I only do it sitting or lying down

   I go to subway to eat healthy, but for whatever reason, I end up making a sub that would fill up a family.

   Look, I only want what's best for me.

   When people with lisps say "Bithneth", you know they mean business.

   Sometimes I go up the stairs & when I get there, I completely forget what I went up there for. So I masturbate. That's usually the reason.

   I recently saved a ton of money on my car insurance. By fleeing all scenes of accidents.

   The K.K.K. may be worth joining just to find out the name of the brilliant washing powder they use.

   I smoked a lot of weed tonite. I'm higher than the crime rates in a black neighborhood.

   I walked past a car filled with Mexican teens and they locked all the doors. I was feeling like a bad ass until I realized, it was my damn car.

   I like girls that smoke weed. You could say I have high standards.

   Some days you tame the tiger. And some days the tiger has you for lunch.

   between parkinson's and alzheimer's I would rather have Parkinson's. I would rather spill a little beer than forget where I put it.

   My only argument with using the treadmill,, is that I can't run away from my farts.

   My wife says she is leaving me because because because because becaaaaauuuuuuuuse,,, she says I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.

   REMEMBER: a noisy BBQ may upset your neighbours. Another great way to annoy them is to throw your rubbish into their garden...

   at the end of the day what really matters is not much. if you laughed more than you cried,smiled more than you frowned,told your friends and family that you loved them,and had a pretty good time doing what you do for a living,then it was a good day. go to

   Now days spelling "good" is as simple as paying attention in school

   Don't try to high five blind people Ryan Seacrest, it is awkward.

   I don't care what the damn expiration date says, I'm smelling the milk before I drink it.