Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know what the key to success is, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

   Facebook says we're 'friends' ,but trust me, I wouldn't hesitate to kick you in the teeth.

   Sometimes I see people and think, "Is your face supposed to be like that?"

   Oh, he didn't reply to your text message and it's been 2 minutes? You should probably resend that.

   Hardest job in the world: Police sketch artist in China.

   Remember the days when you could push your friend in the pool and not worry if they had a cellphone in their pocket? Good times...

   Party ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ at my __̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡......

   I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It's called b*tches and hoes.

   Metta World Peace, a.k.a. Ron Artest, just wished everyone a Happy Labor Day on Twitter...........................

   "Hey, can you spot me, bro?" - Waldo.......at the gym.

   Hey bartender, that piña colada you just made taste like SPF 40!

   I need a bigger grill. And I'm not talking about the gold bubba teeth.

   Starting tomorrow, every place I visit, I'm going to speak exclusively in double negatives. I'd do it today, but I'm not going nowhere.

   Jons Memorial Day Advice. Don't forget! • Burgers • Beer • Sun screen • Toothpaste • Cheese • Hot dog buns • 9/11 • The Alamo • Dre

   A childhood of Disney movies has left me sorely disappointed in the lack of spontaneous musical numbers in my life...

   Religious people believe because it makes them feel better; but thankfully there's booze for that.

   The conversation between your fingers and someone else's skin is the most magnificent discussion you can ever have.

   HIM: “"Promise you'll love me forever." HER: “WTF?!? I don't even love you now.”

   If anyone secretly videotaped me yesterday go to 5:22:16. It's me trying to put on jeans after a massage

   Things to do: 1) Dig a hole 2) Name it love 3) Watch people fall in love.