Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I either need a new dentist or i'm just too far behind in the times. What does my Prostate have to do with oral hygiene???

   So, what has the Queen ever done for us?

   Ahhhh,,, At last, my wife has found something her butt does not look big in............... Walmart

   The first rule of Thesaurus Club is,, You don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

   I keep thinking about Shane from "The Walking Dead" telling Rick that "it all started with a few weird news reports."

   Doctor says I have Gunter glieben glauchen globen syndrom. I break out in hives whenever I hear Def Leppard's "Rock of Ages".

   "You should know that when I say it ain't nothin' but a G thang, sometimes it *is* more than just a G thang!" - passive-aggressive Dr. Dre

   I had a dream that all the neglected MySpace Profiles came back and wanted vengeance.

   my GF and I have so much in common, she thinks I'm the best looking, kindest, smartest, best lover, most considerate, humblest, man in the world...and I agree

   Going to a strip club in the middle of the day can be so depressing. Especially if you catch the end of your mom's shift.

   starving! i'm so hungry I can eat a face!!! # toosoon?

   We gotta get out of this place..if its the last thing we ever do.!

   I think it's impossible to play the Wii without looking like you're competing in a relay race for the Special Olympics.

   Smart phones, smart cars, smart everything... Where are all the smart people?

   My favorite condiment is sarcasm, I put it on everything.

   Just finished everything that I had on my To Do list for today which was just a drawing of a set of boobs on a Post It note.

   Remember when you blow back up the Capri Sun pouches and try to give them to your friend hoping that they will think it's full?

   Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.

   Just found out I have tinnitus from constant exposure to rape whistles.

   Told my son to break up with his cross-eyed girlfriend, I think she was seeing someone else.