Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't get why women spend so much money on sunglasses...it would be way cheaper just tinting the kitchen window

   how do you make 5 lbs of fat look good? Put a nipple on it!

   Breaking news the 5th Dentist caved and now 5 out 5 recommend trident gum!!!!!!!!

   All this news about Zombies you better go get your Zombie vaccinations..

   You know, when you think about it, based on her color and size Snookie would make a great buoy.

   Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison?

   Its not you I'm rejecting Its my heart I'm protecting

   All this talk about zombies is making me very hungry..

   this just in.... apparently the reason why bieber assaulted the cameraman is because he was taking pictures of his camel toe.

   Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same

   Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it was invented anywhere else, it woulda been called a "teethbrush."

   They say that the first sign of alcoholism is drinking alone. I have a dog, so I don't have to worry about that.

   50 Shades of Grey is stupid. They made the movie before the book. It's called porn... and thanks to the internet, it's free.

   You're too cute to be single." and you're too ugly to be flirting with me.

   Sleep with a girl with a spray tan? No thanks. I'll just stick my d$ck into a bag of Cheetos.

   Gym, tan, listen to tiesto's club life

   The morbidly obese make the best roll models.

   "Once you go black, you never go back!" I shouted as I threw my 3 week old bananas in the trash.....

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it's my cellphone

   If you wake up from a night of partying with no memory of the night before, Do 3 things; 1.) Count your money 2.) Get tested 3.) Stay the hell away from where you were drinking because you probably pissed someone off.