Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never bring a knife to a gunfight. But if you bring one to a tickle fight, you will TOTALLY win.

   took you to dinner,a movie,then for drinks,get back to your house then tell me you have your period (・_・)ノ”(ノ_<)

   I don't hate anyone enough to want to marry them.

   Um, hello Police? I'd like to report a robbery. Somebody stole one of my stats. A stat It's like, a sentence you put on a website. Hello?

   I met my perfect match on ePharmacy.com

   The only thing more stressful than a blind date is meeting a new drug dealer for the first time

   Whether being sincere or romantic, never, EVER, call your wife the 8th wonder of the world when she is PMSing!!

   Tonight , I will be the Designated Drunk

   RIP Richard Dawson Family Feud guy

   ┐('.'┐) ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ (┌'.')┌ cus' this is thriller, thriller night.

   Remember Ladies, blojobs are flowers for men.

   quit criticizing the girls that take slutty pics and put them on Facebook! I like looking at them you homo!

   if someone tells you their buns are moldy and you're not in the kitchen....RUUUN"!!

   Never hate your enemies. It affects your judgment.

   There must be a lot of people dumping F/B due to how lame some of these post have become.

   Being free is no guarantee of happiness, but if you're unhappy, at least it will be on your own terms rather than someone else's.

   People who walk on I-95 are so friendly. I've gone past 3 in the last hour and they all gave me the thumbs up.

   I finally got it all together... but I forgot where I put it.

   Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half.

   People don't seem to realize that doing what's right is no guarantee against misfortune.