Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "May your beer always be dry and your women always moist."

   Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes far away, skeletons close, Spiders far away,,, And everything else just in a big pile

   I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.

   I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

   The definition of attention seeking.. Updating your Facebook status in capital letters!

   If infants can enjoy their infancy why can't adults enjoy adultery?

   The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.

   Those rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don't they?

   McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.

   I got charged with indecent exposure for telling jokes naked at Home Depot. In my defense, “stand up shower” is very misleading.

   Hey, don't wear skinny jeans if you have a big head. You look like a Pez dispenser.

   Sigh...It's that time of the year to breakout the razor and stop looking like sasquatch! Ladies, you know what I mean!

   I'm in a Long Distance Relationship....My Girlfriend Lives in the Future!

   There's no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.

   I was raised by two really amazing parents, so you can only imagine how much work I had to do to turn out to be this $@^#&! of a person.

   “I can park here because my hazards are on.” Seems legit.

   Instead of a fox, I would have had the Carfax mascot be a fax machine.

   I almost caused an accident trying to open a piece of candy. Can you imagine dying over a Lemon Starburst? #ultimatefail

   I feel bad for kids nowadays that see a cool new toy on tv that they want, but have no way of getting, because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.

   This salad bar sucks. I must've had like 10 shots of this “Italian Dressing” and I'm not the slightest bit drunk.