Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it's summer, the kids are home. I should just accept that everyday the house is gonna look like Bourbon Street on Monday morning.

   Why is it a "12-pack" and not a "jury of your beers"?

   I comb my hair using a fork and start talking about astrology to myself each time I see a Jehovahs Witness walking towards me in a restaurant.

   Whenever a woman says "I want to show you something", I always reply "Okay!" in as fast as 0.03475 secs.

   "LMAO!!" - Magneto, when he was confronted by Iron Man.

   I'm sorry, I thought you said you wanted multiple organisms. I'll return the petri dishes back to the lab.

   "The "McDutch Oven" - When the fat kid farts in a McDonald's Playland tube and blocks the exit so the other kids can't escape.

   When somebody tells me to relax, I immediately do.-nobody ever

   It was all good at the HS reunion party until I laughed too hard my gun fell out of my pocket.

   I keep a jar labelled "HIV Virus" in my jacket so when someone tries to fight me, I show it to them and throw it at their feet and run.

   My neighbor called the cops because he thought I was screaming in pain when in fact I was just singing in the shower.

   Whenever I'm smoking in an open space and someone starts coughing like a b1tch, I throw a teargas canister at them and run.

   The experts says "don't stare directly into the sun during the Venus transit". Do we really need to be told that? Also, during the Venus transit, don't forget to breathe.

   Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.

   I wrote a book called "How to pick up girls." Page 1 says "Maybe buy a motorcycle? I dunno?" The rest is just pictures of dudes

   "Please die please die" - when I see someone I know walking towards me to say Hi

   I just spent an hour chasing a rabbit trying to take a picture of it. What has instagram done to me?.

   The box for my new digital camera says the shutter speed is so fast you can photograph a hummingbird's wings, or a woman with her mouth shut.

   it offensive to bring your own chair to someone's apartment?

   To save time on playing board games in my family, dad would take the game out of the box and go directly to the throwing it at the wall part