Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just read 1 in 5 people pee in the swimming pool...WTF, thats what the hot tub is for...

   if you cant afford to go on vacation,u can always drink until you dont know where you are

   only dead fish go with the flow!

   trying to act happy when no money falls out of your bday card! :(

   The best way to make a long story short is to tell it on Twitter.

   When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"

   The second Pop-Tart exists solely to hammer home the self-loathing initiated by the first Pop-Tart.

   A guy with a gun enters a bar. "Who the f*ck had sex with my wife?" he snarled. A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets!"

   I've just bought myself a hyena. Finally my jokes will be appreciated.

   My boss reminds me of a caged bird. He comes out flapping and squawking, sh*ts on everything and leaves.

   Girl's facebook status: I'm done with this sh!t.. Me: Did you wipe?

   Timex and Tampax should get together and invent something to let guys know its her time of the month.

   Before making your three wishes, make sure your genie has a good command of English. Unrelated: would anyone like to purchase a massive rooster, a bunch of wet, Brazilian cats and a large section of donkey?

   I'd be more willing to date, if women were less willing to talk.

   Whoever said Diamond are a girls best friend........Obviously never bought one a detachable showerhead.

   Honey, do you remember those days when we first met and you'd wake up and leave for a few days? Those were some GOOD times huh.....right.......hello? What did I say now?

   I need to quit time-traveling whilst drunk! I can't remember what I did tomorrow.

   I see you have a tribal tattoo, I didn't know Douchebag was a tribe.

   I just peed double streams. Is this my superpower?

   Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga