Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's weird how all the floor around my father is made of eggshells.

   1. Say "Dale!" 2. Mumble 3 Spanish words 3. List 4 cities. You just made a Pitbull song.

   You know things must've gotten serious when you see a gold hoop earring laying in the Walmart parking lot.

   I hate it when I read something on her3 thats so funny that I burst out laughing it makes my neighbors realize that I'm hiding under their bed.

   Fantasy sentence for pedophiles, rapists & animal abusers: Reduce the size of the license plate production zone and build a non-sterile room for use exclusively to test beauty products and corrosive industrial cleaning products on said wastes of skin.

   So Heat lost....In other News: Bosh was wondering why he only played 14minutes in a final's game? He may look like a raptor, but he didnt eat nobody yet......

   I was going to complain about my headache then I remembered JFK

   I may not be in the NBA with Lebron, but we have the same amount of Championship rings ;)

   Well, if tonight's election proves anything....its that the unions were a lot more effective when the mob ran them.

   I think Facebook should have a status limit per day. This is not Twitter, shut the f*ck up, nobody cares.

   My day starts backwards... I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.

   We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

   Kids today will never know the pain of the Dewey Decimal system and how to catalog library books on index cards.

   Contrary to what the facebook status box says, please do NOT "let it all out".

   Not saying I'm in dire need of affection but the next girl I date better be an octopus on ecstacy.

   I refuse to join your birthday calendar cult!

   Shoved my cat in the garbage disposal and accidentally wrote the new Skrillex album.

   I just went out and witnessed the transit of venus.. Now I have no retinas...

   Endless Love: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

   Someone at work said something very funny today so I walked over to their desk, gave them a sharp poke in the ribs and said "LIKE".