Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who remembers the good old days, when people use to communicate by email?

   Am I the only one when they heard about the hand & foot delivered to Ottawa I thought " that's sick!" But when the other set arrived in Vancouver 10 days later I thought "Wow, Canada Post Sucks!"

   Sometimes I like to walk next to people and sync with their step

   Emotionally: I'm done. Mentally: I'm drained. Spiritually: I'm dead. Physically: I smile.

   I'm against recycling because it makes me appear to be a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.

   Always young at heart. But the rest of the parts apparently came from Sanford & Son

   It's time to go to bed when there is no more beer!!! I think Ben Franklin said this

   I think these bath salts turned me into Hannibal Lector...I just ate a Jehovah's Witness with a side of fava beans! ツ

   I don't need anger management -I need people to stop pissing me the hell off!!

   Screw it, I'm starting Friday now.

   Ladies, most of the time us guy are like placemats. We only show up when there's food on the table.

   Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I'm sober. Sober people when I'm drunk.

   When Life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and say "You hit like a bit$h."

   Another Sign of getting older: When you recall Nick-At-Night was once mostly Black & White!

   Hey I just met you and this is crazy. But I just ate bath salts and you look tasty

   If a girl got naked in front of me at this point , I'd probably jerk off out of habit, and fold her in half like my laptop when I'm done.

   I used to call my toilet The Dumper, now I call it the Donald Trumper.

   Dog is man's best friend. Cat is an acquaintance.

   I don't mean to sound dubstep but boommmm ngeeekkk whoobwobwobwobwob whawhawhaw.

   Can someone please snort bath salts next time they see Justin Bieber in person?