Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Will, you, Mary, Me" -- invitation to an orgy.

   I'm a great musician. I was playing my trumpet at 5am when my neighbor threw a brick through my window. He must've wanted to hear me better.

   Sometimes. I don't understand women. Other times. They are sleeping.

   The one thing that I'll never understand is women, tofu, yoga, and counting...

   If I'm down on my knees, I'm probably not one who's begging.

   my heart is the dumbest organ in my body. but also it keeps me alive.

   I can never tell a girl I like her so instead I climb up her window while she's sleeping and whisper how I feel while playing with her hair. Collapse

   My friend Dave is serving a life sentence for something he didn't do. He didn't wipe his fingerprints off the knife.

   WANTED... Illegal immigrant to act as a mud flap for a 1978 Ford Cortina. Must be flexible and willing to travel.

   When one door closes… the dress falls off.

   A good woman can make you feel macho, strong and able to take on the world. Oh sorry… that's vodka… vodka does that.

   You can be the ripest, juiciest and sweetest strawberry in the field, and there's still going to be some fool who hates strawberries.

   I don't do drugs. I can get the same effect just standing up fast!

   It always get awkward when you're on the elevator with a stranger. Especially after you hug him and tell him you're very lonely.

   Some of the chicks on my play list aren't even musicians.

   Everyone has that one friend who insists on messaging you every damn time they see you on Facebook.

   I changed my last name on Facebook to "dis", so I can start disliking the stupid stuff people post.

   So you hate Facebook? Thanks for sharing that with me on Facebook.

   fb Who needs it, we have each other... right? Hello?

   Instead of yelling, I just say "Caps Lock" and then speak at a normal volume...