Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women do not understand men because they don't have to, Men don't understand women because they are crazy.

   Facebook is giving 'poke suggestions' now? Instead of telling me who to poke they should warn me about who NOT to poke.

   Q: What is the standard # of ppl you can have being blocked on FB? I wanna block all my ex(s)!

   Do "lol" goes before or after the sentence??? Everytime I read something funny, I quickly stop laughing out loud cuz I get frustrated

   I feel bad making fun of all these idiots I work with. I still do it, but at least I feel bad.

   I'm all for abstinence to prevent teen pregnancies and all...But I really do believe that if I would've gotten laid when I was in High School my grades would've been alot better.

   If you want to know whether a chick is a cvnt or not, just call her a c*nt. Nothing sets off a crazy cvnt like being called a cvnt.

   When I die I don't want to be in a casket at the Funeral Home... I want them to prop me up sitting in the front row... just to mess with people as they walk in.

   Every car should blast out the Back To The Future theme when they hit 88mph

   Had to have the 'Drugs' talk with the teenage son the other night... had to warn him how easily he could get ripped off...

   You know when you rearrange "Mother -In-Law" in any language you still get "Women Hitler!"......Got a PuertoRican-Haitian Hitler to deal with

   Starting a hammock company for kids called "Kid-Naps" ........and maybe need to rethink some things....... :-(

   Accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying "Curiosity was here"

   My friend sent me a text tonight asking if I wanted to go see Saw with them. They thought the movie was sh*t. But that was nothing compared to my sh*t night sitting in a playground waiting for them to show up!!!

   Facebook now lets you put a star on a select group of friends.. JUST LIKE HITLER!

   Me - "Siri... Write me a status!" Siri - "M... Don't tell me what to do!" Me - :(

   Before facebook, I use to wait about a week for Walgreens to develop my pictures, to show my friends how good I lok in the Bathroom

   Buying your girlfriend tampons is not that hard! Just wait until you have to get your wife 'jumbo diaper afterbirth thingies.'

   My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I didn't love her back. It's nice when problems resolve themselves like that.

   I just woke up pissed off for no reason..... now I know how a woman feels. ;-)