Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I suppose I'm a late bloomer. But the way it's going, I'm going to hook up in the nursing home. Somebody water me, PLEASE!

   My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.

   I distrust Camels and anyone else who can go 1 week without a drink.

   classified ad in newfoundland newspaper: for sale one large living room window, only looked through twice.

   Whenever I see someone calling my phone, I wait and see if they will call 10 times, if they don't, it probably wasn't that important

   I saw a squirrel eating a dead squirrel on the way home. So, the bath salt/zombie crisis has now reached the animal kingdom...

   Yes, it's Sunday and the weekend is almost over, as time flies when your having fun...I suggest doing something really boring all day long to stretch it out until midnight!

   My neighbours have seen me naked more than my future wife ever will.

   It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

   "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?" said my late wife.

   Never trust girls who let themselves be touched right away. But even less those who need a priest for approval.

   Hey guy hitting on my girlfriend, how does imagination feel like?

   I think I could be with one woman for the rest of my life if there were no other women on earth.

   When LeBron James gets a mosquito bite, he looks around for a ref.

   a Golden Shower the best to show a woman that she's the one? I mean, dogs piss on things to mark THEIR territory, right?

   "they judge me before they even know me, that's why I'm better off alone" - Shrek

   I didn't want to be that creepy guy, so instead of gawking at the woman at the gym, I licked the sweat off her treadmill.

   Women. Can't live with them, can't smell their hair without getting an erecti0n.

   The only reason I don't lie to people is because I don't want anyone thinking I like them enough to care about not hurting their feelings.

   Chances are you're doing something right now that would make me hate you. Like breathing or talking or existing anywhere near me.