Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when certain people exist.

   Ribbery looks like he was involved in a armed robbery!

   I'm gonna make this girl mine..... Right click, Save As....

   I don't " hate you"....I just dislike you so much that bile wells up in my esophagus when I think of your existence

   Pop up ads are the Jehovahs witness of the internet.

   I usually watch porn on mute; so the neighbors can hear me climax.

   Never trust a straight guy who can wrap a present.

   The female bottom is a wonderful sight to behold, and by behold I mean it's the most magnificent of grabable things.

   You're never too old to become younger.

   The best things in life make you sweaty.

   I raise the acceptable weight limit of potential sex partners everyday I go without getting laid. Today I hit 2 tons.

   Apparently a lot of sniffer dogs are vanishing into thin air...... Police say they have several leads...

   I waited so long to do laundry, that now I'm headed to the Laundromat wearing my Halloween costume….

   ive started drinking raw milk. no homo

   surprisingly Going on a killing spree has a minimal impact on your credit score.

   Never fight anyone who bows to you first.

   After I bang a chick, I draw a “#” on the her lower back. I call it an #asstag.

   Some people in my life are as useless as the "AY" in "OKAY", but once in awhile I like to take the time to spell things out so I need em..

   Dear Non Smokers: You know we only blow smoke in your faces so that you will finally stop breathing, right?

   I just called Chaz Bono "lady" now I'm sitting back and watching the fire works