Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I watch Looney Tunes before I go to work, because there's something about old school cartoon violence that relaxes me

   I'm not sure when it happened, but my "to do" list has become my "to do tomorrow" list.

   Too bad phones don't record smells. I just had something to share with all of you!

   That moment when you're having a somewhat serious text with someone and "anything" comes out as "anyTHONG"........damn you, touchscreen.

   i got stoned yesterday, tough crowds in Iran

   It's complicated" is just code for, "I'm willing to cheat."

   Damn you hot girls on FaceBook who post "beach day!" pics but 'only share photos with friends'

   The first 1500 pictures of your kids were cute, now it's a bit much.

   My heart goes out to all those Frustrated people who are Stuck in Traffic, on their way to the Gym to ride Stationary Bicycles...

   I'm so drunk I speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne.

   Barman says to Paddy, "ur glass is empty, fancy another one?". Paddy looking confused replies, "why the would I want 2 empty glasses?"

   The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.

   I just put a cat & a mouse in a cage and I must say, this is nothing like Tom & Jerry.

   Buying everyone at the office an@l beads didn't go over very well .

   Oh, you've heard that one before? But not from me though.

   Guys that say "bros before hoes' don't take gardening as seriously as I do.

   Sometimes I catch that fleeting glimpse of the beautiful woman my daughter will become. They are usually followed by the urge to buy ammo.

   We should have pulled out of Afghanistan before we got it pregnant. Now we are gonna be stuck with support payments.

   I'm not even really looking for a sex partner, just a sex collaborator would be nice.

   This polo shirt has two buttoning options: uptight golf pr!ck or disco chest hair.