Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone's been sleeping in my bed, said Papa Bear. Someone's been sleeping in MY bed, said Mama. Why don't you share a bed?! cried Baby Bear

   I forgot to post on Facebook that I was going to Starbucks, check-in there, take a picture with my coffee with Instagram, and add a caption of how good it was, while including two Twitter hashtags #Starbucks #GreatDay

   My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyways.

   Don't you love it when your iPod is about to fall, and your earphones save it's life?

   Relationship status: DTF

   No officer I wasn't texting, that's dangerous. I was checking my Facebook.

   If the caller I.D. reads 'unavailable', then so am I.

   Don't glare at me lady! You're the one who named your kid Marco then yelled his name in this store!

   You know what's funny? Paintings of Adam & Eve where they both have belly buttons. Think about it, take all the time you need.

   I was just making a sandwich when I thought to myself, 'So, there is a downside to divorce'.

   What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

   Thank God for that warning label, I was about to use this lamp in the shower.

   Women only need 3.5 inches to reach maximum pleasure. Yes...It's called a credit card.

   I often wonder why there is no step ladder next to the "Ball Washer" at my golf course...

   Oh! I saw something that reminded me of you today, but don't worry I flushed it..

   The best place to hide a dead body is page 2 of Google search results.

   Admit it. When someone is mean to you, you spend the next 2 months winning arguments with them in your shower.

   I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run if you will, so I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.

   Super excited that bicycle seat sniffing season is already here!

   It was so hot today working outside I saw squirrels fanning their nuts.