Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Does my ass look big in this?" asked my wife as she twirled in front of the mirror...........Who knows where she got the sumo suit from.

   "We should mate" "WHAT!?" "I said date, we should date sometime, ya know just the 2 of us.

   Pockets are an awesome way to scratch your balls while in public!

   A good neighbor is one that does not put a password on their wifi.

   "For the love of honey!" - Grizzly bear

   Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition..

   When I was born I was so surprised, I didnt talk for a year and a half..

   Awkward: Your cell phone going off full volume at a funeral. Even more awkward: Your ringtone being, "I Will Survive"

   I must have an amazing butt because every time I finish talking to someone & turn around to walk away, I hear them whisper, "What an Ass!"

   This cute guy I met just texted that he wants to "hang out" tonight, but he lives in the Valley & I made him up.

   've always wondered why W is called Double U, when it's clearly Double V...

   Just for the sake of argument, let's say I'm right about everything.

   Mirror - "Ooh you look cute today!" Camara - "Lol, no."

   You cannot taste me until you undress me. Sincerely , Banana

   Reading texts half asleep is like looking into the sun.

   I like to send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" Just to see who`s dumb enough.

   When it comes to fighting let`s just say I have lightning-like reflexes…. I hit the ground fast.

   I did it in bed... I did it on the couch... I did it in the car... Texting is such an obsession.

   I was at a restaurant last night and I thought I saw a family praying at the table. It turned out they were only texting.

   Why do they call it a "Wonder Bra?" Maybe its because when you take it off you wonder where your boobs went..