Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be as smart as Wikipedia, but think like Google

   I just finished reading "50 shades of Grey" by Sherwin Williams. I don't see what all the hype is about these paint broshures.

   I used to think the brain was the most interesting part of the body. Then I realized what was telling me that.

   I haven't had sex my wife in a year and she's 6 weeks pregnant. Take that people that don't believe in miracles.

   Don't worry if you're sad and lonely and having a bad day, the sun is shining anyway because no one cares.

   I don't know all the answers but I do know you'll probably feel better if you set something on fire.

   If you say married people aren't having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

   If you feel like the world is passing you by, you must be obeying the speed limit.

   Why do they subtitle "Swamp People"?

   Marriage is a workshop.........The husband works & The wife shops

   Camel Toe Contest..... My place...

   Did you know that somewhere every 3 second a woman gives birth on this planet? I think we should find this woman and stop her.

   Apple is announcing today that they are coming out with a new line of products for pets. The first is for dachsunds. It's called : I touch weiners

   When you say the word “poop” your mouth does the same motion as your butt hole. The same can be said for the phrase, “explosive diarrhea.”

   tis the month of graduations... and they STILL refuse to take my Star Wars graduation theme idea. Jedi robes instead of gowns, lightsabers... and I would LOVE to attend a Chewbaccalaureate service!

   I was so angry when I found my wife's profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn't “fun to be around.”

   After the movie Magic Mike is released this weekend all the theatre seats are going to looks like snails crawled across them...

   Getting really into filling life's emptiness with carbs.

   Axe is the auto-tune for body odor.

   Text me like its being read back to you by Chris Hansen.