Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Logged into Facebook. ‘Happiness is like a butterfly….' Logged out of Facebook.

   My favorite exercise after a heavy meal is regret.

   All icebergs are cold. Every last one of them. There I go, glacial profiling again.

   If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there's a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.

   Yesterday President Obama released a new commercial aimed at female voters. Which explains the commercial's title, “Fifty Shades of Change.”

   Be great. If they hate you, be GREATER.

   that outstanding moment when he/she realizes you're right and won't respond to your text.

   Some french fries are excellent, and other french fries are just an acceptable way to eat ketchup…

   A Life ?! Where can I download one of those?

   CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL!! *Message Sends* Kill me now

   I wouldn't have to manage my anger if people would manage their stupidity.

   I thought I was head over heels over her. But then I realized it was just because she let me get her heels over her head.

   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

   I have this weird fetish where I like to sleep with attractive and smart women...

   The worst thing ever = that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

   The PT Cruiser is probably the most expensive form of birth control.

   Spice Girls reunite?!?! We have to ask... Which one would you bang?

   A woman will watch the game with you. The perfect woman will watch it on top of you.

   For the love of God, ASK me, don't AXE me!

   I always look around the bar to see what level of women are there before I decide what level of drunk I have to become.