Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not an alcoholic. I can stop drinking any time I've got no money.

   I don't always wear boxers, but when I do it's brief.

   How the heck does one cup of coffee equal one gallon of pee!?!?

   I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

   I have no tattoos, no piercings. I'm just a big, blank canvas of crazy.

   Yard Work.....there's nothing like a well trimmed bush.

   How do you tell if you've lost an argument on Facebook? Well first you're are in an argument on Facebook.

   CNN is reporting that the man who attacked and ate the others mans face was cause by cannibals and not bath salts. That's like saying being a vegan will give you diabetes

   If you run around a tree doing 87km/h there is a possibility of fu*king yourself

   Taco Bell is donating burritos to feed firefighters in Colorado. Talk about putting gas on the fire,

   I'm not addicted to cigarettes. I can stop smoking any time……… I have no money.

   Veni, vidi, vici- I came I saw I conquered ~~ Julius Caesar. Vidi, Vici, Veni - I saw, I conquered, I came! ~~ Some single dude

   Dear Leviticus 19:27,..........Nobody cares.

   When the government fears the people, it's called Liberty. When the people fear the government, it's called Tyranny.

   In America, dating for men is a chore, for women it's a choice.

   I was just about to poach an elephant the other day, when I suddenly thought to myself, "I'm gonna need a bigger saucepan."

   Dont you hate when ppl call you on house phone and ask where you @ and hold you hostage on the phone

   Veni, Vidi, Vizzini... I came, I saw, INCONCEIVABLE!

   remembering all those flashbacks from before

   Christianity should not be cover for Douchebaggery.