Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think it's really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Steve, agrees with me.

   If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn't, you should know that I ignored you first.

   I was just totally swept off my feet by this guy at the bar. Well, not my feet exactly, but this bar stool. Ok, maybe not swept per se, but...Alright, fine! I fell off the bar stool while he was watching. Happy now?

   I gave blood for the local blood drive today. Someone's blood alcohol level is going UP!

   When I'm in a public bathroom stall and someone knocks on the door, I like to whisper, "lemme see the drugs first." You'd be surprised how quiet it gets.

   After witnessing a strip search at the police station I now understand why it's called a crack rock.

   My girlfriend told me to grow a pear... What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?

   This Country is at War!........with itself!!!

   The supreme court is just like regular court but with sour cream.

   I'm glad people have the confidence to wear revealing clothing but sometimes your confidence is NOT very pleasant to look at.

   Getting into an argument with a stupid people is something you will never win at even when you do. Like tic-tac-toe or global thermonuclear war.

   Oh, you're a lesbian? You're not attracted to men, so you go date girls that look like men. That makes complete sense.

   saw Magic Mike....pissed....no Magic Johnson,no Mike Jordan and not one freakin Basketball!!!!

   I Just unlocked the 'Five Naps in One Day Achievement' in the game that is my life.

   OJ Simpson has got 2 things every man wants, a Heisman Trophy and a dead wife.

   People in Arkansas are curious if this health plan is going to cover tooth whitening.

   It's so hot outside, Our hummingbirds are demanding red gatorade!

   What the heck is there a "z" in "LOLZ" ... Laugh Out Loud... Zebra?

   Call me a rank nostaligist, but I possess an almost misty-eyed fondness for the pre-face eating era...

   Breaking news: future editions of Monopoly will feature interchangable spaces for what are now Income Tax and Luxury Tax. Players will have the option to choose from the words "Tax," "Penalty," or "Fine," because, clearly, words no longer have meanings