Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.

   Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. She hadn't even called me; I saw the news on my Facebook news feed.

   The Jehovah's Witnesses witnessed me whacking off on my couch.

   Today, I saw an old man struggling with three bags, so I offered to carry them for him. He must not have heard me because when I bent down to take the bags, he thought I was stealing them and punched me in the face. FML

   My Life: Wake up, Survive, Sleep.

   My girlfriend is walking out on me because of my obsession with Call of Duty. It's ok, she won't get far. I set up a claymore by the door.

   I hope they gave this year's Nobel Prize to the dude who invented Yoga Pants.

   7 things I look for in a girl: Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

   They need to make a breathalyzer app for my phone... After 10pm, I'm usually above the legal limit to text message.

   Amigo, the only thing in this world that gives orders is balls. Balls. You got that? - Tony Montana

   There are two varieties of hoe. One is a gardening tool. The other is a hardening tool.

   You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.

   Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Saturday morning.

   I'm not afraid of stupid people. I'm afraid of intelligent people with stupid ideas.

   My only regrets involve a Klondike bar

   Why do shampoo bottles have to say 'Lather, Rinse, Repeat' on them? My blonde girlfriend has been in the shower for 2 weeks now.

   I proposed my girl today. Apparently "Do you want to be the one who makes sandwiches for me for the rest of my life" isn't the way to do it.

   Whenever my parents talk about 'the good old days' they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what?

   F.Y.I. a slice of bread does not substitute as toilet paper.

   To the Kindergarten teacher that I kicked in the shin because I didn't want to take a nap, I am sorry. I was really b!tchy when I dropped my son off.