Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So the guy in Miami who ate that other dude's face was NOT on bath salts, just weed. What kind of weed gives you the munchies for hobo face?

   In 2013, my first status will be “is anyone alive?”

   I'll catch you later: Cool thing to say to a friend, scary thing to say to a child.

   I bet vegetarians don't even feel guilty eating baby carrots

   Can't believe it's almost Christmas in July

   I always cry after sex. God, I hate prison!

   "I need a girl who I can spend the rest of my whole night with...."

   If they park like they fck ..they'll never get in

   :Where do all the balls go after they neuter your animals?

   :Procreation: It started out as just plain old creation, until I started doing it.

   :There's nothing more romantic than seeing young lovers dry hump their way through Wal-Mart...

   / I'm not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there's so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

   I just killed a spider with my vibrator! If I can figure out how to open jars with it, men can pretty much go screw themselves.

   /Sometimes I like to let the pastry cream from my eclair slide down my chin and I whisper "mommy likey" to myself. I'm lonely.

   omg 109 degrees . its so hot people dont even tan anymore they just rust.

   Magic Mike: raising women's expectations of every man.

   Man if they really made CHILL PILLS, Id have overdosed by now O_o

   MS Exchange Server Logon Failure: Your password will expire in 5 days. Do you want to change it now? -----Yes, the layoff/ downsizing list announcement is in 4 days.

   I drink vodka and gin. My alter ego drinks tequila and rum. Together we make one hell of a Long Island Iced Tea.

   You'd think eating Ramen noodles with a butter knife would encourage me to wash dishes or at the very least go eat dinner at a Strip Club.