Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I miss having a girlfriend. I get so tired of listening to whatever music I want, on road trips to wherever I want to go, with zero guilt.

   How to make your girl feel special: 1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice. 2) Put her name on it & give it to her.

   Whenever my Girlfriend says she's going to "hit the sack" I instinctively cover my balls just in case.

   Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat.

   I wonder if Tom Cruise is jumpin on the couch again since he's getting a divorce.

   I dont have a problem sharing my funny stuff with ya'll here as you c0py & paste to your Facebooks, its the damn Twitter crew I can't stand with their self righteousness and egos.

   "Magic Mike"? They should call it what it really is. "Magic Johnson".

   Women just want to be told they're beautiful. Especially the good looking ones.

   Saw a hitchhiker holding a sign ‘Anywhere But Here' So I swerved, hit him. Now he's in a ditch. Hope that's ok, he wasn't really specific.

   It's impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

   Tom Cruise has finally reached the 71st level of Scientology, Divorce

   Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise divorcing after 5 years of enslavement. I mean, marriage.

   I'm never sure how much ball cleavage to show when I wear my Casual Friday Jean Shorts.

   Please feel free to call me anytime after ten, that's when I put my phone on silent.

   I imagine hell to be a room full of drunk guys wanting to tell you about their fantasy football team...

   You're laughing because I'm laughing, but I'm laughing because I farted.

   When one door closes, another door opens. If not, I'm climbing through the window.

   Well I had close call lastnight! This girl I picked up at the bar, drove me back to her place. She looked like a lady, walked like a lady, even talked like a lady! But when she whipped into that parking spot perfectly.....I was like hold on somethings up!

   Whenever I give blood, I always assume that most of the workers are vampires and Wesley Snipes will be busting in at any moment.

   I get my kicks attending random funerals and claiming to be the deceased's oldest son from his other family.