Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The paypal card reader is now available. So now people who sell weed and other illegal substances can now accept all major credit cards.

   The problem with natural selection is that it isn't killing stupid people off quickly enough.

   How many of you are household pets reading this while your owners nap?

   Anderson Cooper must have seen 'Magic Mike' this weekend.

   I just found some of my long lost relatives from Alabama on incestry.com

   I'm not saying you're dumb, but you look like the kind of person who would bring a 'Free Hugs' sign to a knife fight.

   When a traffic light is out of service you should just treat the intersection as a demolition derby.

   If you pretend not to see me, I will use my outside voice to say hello.

   I wonder if the female equivalent of the c0ckblock is the beaver dam.

   Some people are here for laughs. Some for therapy. Some for sex. Me? I'm here to learn the difference between your and you're.

   Anderson Cooper comes out just in time to give Tom Cruise a run for his money in wooing John Travolta.

   Anderson Cooper likes it in the pooper. :/

   just heard Anderson Cooper announced he's gay. Don't worry ladies, you still have a shot at Lou Dobbs.

   I think there are more pictures of cats in my news feed than people

   You use Google every day but I bet you can't remember the order of the colors

   Thanks, autocorrect. I'm sure she's dying to know about my huge peninsula.

   "I'm shocked Anderson Cooper came out." said no one.

   I'm still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.

   Wives want a video record of the birth of their child. Husbands want a record of the conception.

   when I have a headache , I take 2 asprins and keep away from children . jus like it says on the bottle.