Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I stopped going to church when they said I had to attend the whole thing, not just the wine tasting.

   Sometimes I just feel like stopping, collaborating, and listening.

   I'm so old that I remember when # was called a number sign.

   It's crazy how crazy religions think the other crazy religions are crazy and that their crazy is the right crazy. It's crazy.

   There's someone out there for everyone. Don't worry if you're alone, your true love is just having sex with someone else right now.

   Piglets are so cute. I love it how we eat them when they get fat and ugly.

   Chris Brown has released a song about his fight with Drake. Dude, your beef is with Drake, why are you making the rest of us suffer?

   The cashier is wearing a tank top with no bra and instead of my ATM code all I keep typing into the machine is SIDEBOOB.

   I like you. You're just the right amount of dysfunctional that I'm attracted to.

   The way Nicki Minaj sings is also a good reminder for women that their waxing time has arrived.

   Will celebrate Canada Day by continuing to be unable to name one single Province they've got up there.

   I participate in optional celibacy. Roughly translated: If I'm not interested in having sex with you, I claim to be celibate.

   Panties are just overpriced wrapping paper.

   This world will be a much better place when people take care of themselves just for themselves, and not for what other people think of them.

   Everyone without a tattoo should receive a prize for being unique.

   It is so hot, and I have typed so much, I am having to dunk my fingers in gatorade to keep them from cramping!

   This photo booth is always out of toilet paper.

   you showed up in my toxicology report

   Your girlfriend is much prettier with her hair down. And by 'down' I mean 'over her face'.

   My "happy place" has nothing to do with geography and everything to do with anatomy.