Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One time Bill Murray came up to me at a Wendys, took a fry off my tray, ate it, looked me dead in the eyes and said "Nobody's going to believe you"

   I hate pushups more than a T-Rex does.

   A lipbite can be sexy, unless you're bitting your upper lip. Wonder how many people just tried that.

   Whale watching outside of Walmart.

   having one of those days where someone needs to be hit in the face with a cactus...

   It's amazing how irritating some people can be with only 140 characters on Twitter.

   Whale watching outside of McDonalds.

   I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig....Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

   "I love Justin Beiber" Hey Jeff, eat a Snickers, you're gay when youre hungry

   Some people just need a hug. Around the neck. With a rope.

   May the 4th of July be with you all......

   Only God can Judge Me!....and some family, a few friends, the neighbors, definitely a couple co-workers! And all my Facebook friends!!!

   Spooning may lead to Forking

   Pretty sure the founders didn't intend for the 4th of July to be on a Wednesday.Thanks a lot Obama.........

   I can turn wine into a one night stand. Your move Jesus.

   Having sex while you are watching a p0rno does not count as 0rgy.

   When my dog is acting up, I point at North Korea on the map as I walk into the kitchen. I'm like the Dog Whisperer but not g@y.

   Don't worry ladies - I wear condoms on my fingers when I upd@te my st@tus so you won't get pregnant.

   Probably the worst time to be an Arab is when you get caught with a bomb in your backpack at the airport.

   Still in my Y2K bunker. Have they given the all clear yet? Running out of beans.