Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I made some urgent upgrades to your computer. Did you know it had NO maple syrup in it before? Guess how much maple syrup it has now?... LOTS.

   Bees.. Bees.. the musical fruit, the more you eat,,,,, the more you get stung in your mouth and throat by bees

   Never buy a used phone. I mean idk about you but I usually take my phone with me when I'm taking a sh!t

   Got some Flip Flops at the dollar store, actually they're Flop Flips and they only make the slappie sound if you're backing up...but hey...$1. Yay!!!

   I helped my neighbor move a super heavy couch last night and he didn't even thank me. That's ok, his wife thanked me on it today. Twice.

   A woman is a fantastic substitute for masturbation.

   I dont wanna masturbate tonight so please, nobody mentions Betty White to me.

   There are so many things in life I still need to lick.

   I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.

   Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Give a women a Facebook account and she can complain about self inflicted drama and fill up your newsfeed.

   This one time my date was really ugly but I was horny so I roofied both our drinks :/

   I was seeing a therapist for trust issues, but I had to quit going when I found out he was seeing other patients.

   If you Happy and you know it thank your ex!

   I only trust people that like big butts, they cannot lie...

   if you've got a body that won't quit, I might as well sit back and relax.

   People who say you can't buy happiness just don't know where to shop.

   Today is International Kissing Day!.....Who wants one?...Wait, let me put my teeth in First!!!

   The awesome moment when your staple puller becomes a back scratcher and your leg starts shaking like a rabid dog~

   The Best thing about the internet: It's available to everyone. The Worst thing about the internet: It's available to everyone.

   Friday is my Second Favorite ''F'' Word!!!