Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Respect old people: they graduated highschool without google or wikipedia.

   I like hitting stuff to make it work. Makes me feel like the Fonz.

   I took my Cat and her six kittens to the Vet to get them spayed and neutered! The Vet asked ''Is the momma cat friendly?'' I said ''Well....Duh, How do you think we got in this mess in the first place!!!''

   "The guy at the first window called you a little b!tch." - Me at the second window at the Burger King Drive-Thru.

   I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it's health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!

   Its funny how head and shoulders becomes head, shoulders, knees and toes, when I run out of body wash.

   If people were meant to pop out of bed first thing in the morning, we'd all sleep in toasters.

   The preacher tells me today... " I hardly see you in church. You need to join the army of the Lord". I said... "I am. I'm in the secret service"

   I've spent 50% of my life learning how to live without drugs and alcohol and the other 50% happy.

   Today is one of those days you want to crank the AC down to 68 and watch Braveheart.

   I'm guessing sex when you're 80 and up is like playing pool with a rope.

   Thank goodness I can now re-read yesterday's posts on page one...

   Some peoples glasses are half full, some are half empty but mine is cracked and leaking valuable water

   It's so hot I witnessed my dog catch fire while "draggin' ass" on my dead lawn.

   My bucket list is just a list of things I want to eat a bucket of....

   Listen, I'm sorry... That reaction was WAY over the line.... I actually have no problem with the horse you rode in on....

   My life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.

   How dare the Heat try to sign the best free agents!!! Unlike... um... every single other team..

   A picnic is a great way to see what all the foods you love would taste like if you added ants.

   Tip: If your parents are always criticizing you,,, ask them if the problem is bad genes or bad parenting.