Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My bank card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.

   No officer, I didn't see you in my rear view; my eyes haven't left my phone for at least the past 5 miles.

   I've found that the things I'm most interested in aren't really in my best interest.

   Okay honey, here is the deal. You show me the pics and I will help you identify the best ones to post on your FB. I have beauty pageant and wet t-shirt judging credentials and experience. So you in good hands.

   I was sat on the side of the bed last night pulling off my boxers... When the wife said to me, "Please don't do that to the dogs!"

   The clearer your conscience, the more likely you are to answer a call from an unknown number.

   Sorry, I brought neither the noise or the funk today.

   Hey, Journey? Quick question: What if I never even started believin'?

   I just held the door open for a Japanese guy and he said, "Sank you" So I punched him in the face. I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor just like that.

   For all that don't know yet " Batman DIES in the New Movie " your welcome.

   ...in my opinion...the guy who revolutionised modern direction systems using time as a code deserves Noble prize for awesomeness....otherwise how would we be able to say..."WOAh MAN...HOT CHICK...3'oclock.!! "

   I dont know if money is the root of all evil, but its certainly the fertilizer...

   LMS if you remember walking into a restaurant and being asked smoking or non-smoking?

   There is no "i" in "team." But there's an "i" in "Tim," and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team" so....there

   The only stimulating book I want to read is "50 Shades of Gravy"

   Friday the 13th is such a bunch of crap..... hang on, going to go see what this guy in a hockey mask wants at the door.... it's not even hockey season, what an idiot.... brb

   Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?

   Hmmm,,,,,,, I think this coffee is broken

   The days of good grammar has went by from now on

   Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is easily the worst thing to happen to President Lincoln in a theatre.