Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know what all this fuss is about Same Sex Marriage! Me and my wife have been having the same sex for 21yrs! It's boring but it isn't worth getting all upset over!!!

   If lesbians aren't attracted to men, why are they attracted to women that look like men?

   Got kicked out of a Gatorade convention. I guess standin behind the women and whispering "is it in you?" was the wrong thing to do.

   Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn't want to ruin my day by talking to you.

   Dear Ex, remember those I love you more fights? I won.

   I had so much coffee I made it to work in under 4 minutes but I forgot to bring my car!

   Hey, I'm a girl. I ignore nice guys, chase douchebags, and then complain about it

   When you put marshmallows in a ziploc bag, then label it "snowman's poop" just so you can show everyone at Show&Tell,,,, you're obviously gonna grow up and be a Superhero...

   I used to be a People Person, but People ruined it for me!!!

   The key to a long and good relationship is to keep the fights clean, and the sex dirty!!!

   People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.............................Benjamin Franklin

   I'm not saying shes a hoe, but shes taken more loads than a washing machine.

   What's the worlds longest sentence? .... I do.

   Whenever I see a girl in a glittery shirt I think to myself, "Ooh! What a sparkly nightmare of need."

   I know it's hot but a crackhead just tried to sell me a ceiling fan. No really...

   Noticed a fly stuck to the back of my girlfriends maxipad in the trash, so I hung them all over the house as flystrips. Won't she be surprised at how smart I am :D

   I do have a life outside of Facebook, but I don't remember the password for it.

   Sometimes the best people to spill your heart to are total strangers. I love you guys.

   Ladies: Invest in men's weakness. Buy sexy lingerie.

   I'm the least productive after lunch. My metabolism protests against any form of physical or intellectual effort. The boss doesn't get it.