Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guilty pleasure ...I absolutely am addicted to the show Pop the balloon or fund I mean find love .

   I had the right to remain silent, I just didn't have the ability.

   He’s been marinating in honey for years. Don’t tell me a rack of Winnie the Pooh ribs wouldn’t be tasty.

   Please don't ride with me if you're going to grab the dash or scream every time we run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   So, is Donald Trump going to slap a tariff on Mail-Order Brides from China? Asking for a friend.

   I never realized how funny I was until I started talking to myself.

   Life hack: Rent the same type of car that you own and switch the tires. Best $39.95 I ever spent.

   If you don't like Led Zeppelin, you're some kind of asshole.

   Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a superpower.

   4 days sober! Not in a row just total in 2025

   If I got paid by the number of idiots I have to deal with at work, I could retire next Tuesday.

   Fun fact..The pool on the Titanic still has water in it.

   Fun fact... The pool on the Titanic still has water in it.

   If you think a bunch of billionaires woke up one morning and decided to have your best interest at heart? You're a special ***ing kind stupid.

   Where I come from, we drive ourselves to court for driving without a license.

   If rapey Dons name weren't all over the Epstein files? They would have been released un-redacted, printed and bound in $200 special editions signed by him, recorded as an audio book by Mel Gibson and Hulk Hogan with Soundtrack by Kid Rock and Ted Nugent,

   If I were to illegally download a film in Jamaica, would I be a pirate of the Caribbean??

   After an extremely tense argument with my wife, the house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Things got a lot worse when I saw the grenade fly towards me.

   I carry moist towelettes in my wallet instead of condoms. I run into Buffalo wings way more than I get sex...

   My four moods: 1. I need coffee. 2. I need a nap. 3. I need a vacation. 4. I need duct tape, rope, and a shovel.