Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

   I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

   So obama is a descendent of the first slave, thats such a convenient discovery around election time. I guess nobody thought about checking his family tree four years ago. ancestry.com also discovered romney's ancestors were the first slave owners..

   So what's the best wine to bring to a job interview? Does anybody know? I got an interview tomorrow morning.

   I thought gold medal women's rowing was what happens outside pubs across Britain every Saturday night....

   Now that Snoop Dogg has reinvented himself as Snoop Lion, I would like to congratulate him on his newest reggae hits. You look and sound great in the new Red Stripe commercials, Snoop!!! Hooray Beer!!

   Dogs don't care if Bacon is crispy or not!

   Nothing ruins your Friday faster than realizing it's only Wednesday.

   Cuba Gooding Jr...Show me the warrant!

   Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.

   Hey people making fun of Canada : I think Bryan Adams & Nickleback were just warning shots,,,,,, Let's try not to REALLY anger them..

   The serenity of the beautiful sunrise this morning was broken by the sound of a cat hacking up a hairball somewhere in the house.

   I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

   Do you think superhero nemesis's use facebook to see who their friends are?

   I've been constipated for 3 days now. I'm half expecting a ransom note from arse demanding money for the safe release of my next poo.

   You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.

   I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.

   The people who deserve to live the best of life are the exact same ones living the worst of it.

   Wine is to women as duct tape is to men… it fixes everything.

   Life ain't nothing but: female dogs and gardening tools!