Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm old enough to remember when they had to put disclaimers on p0rn saying it was for "education purposes".

   Today's menu: 1 gallon of attitude, 3 cups of sarcasm, 2 tbsp of leave me the hell alone, and a generous cup of shut the feck up!

   You yield at a circle intersection, you don't stop if there is nobody in the circle people!

   when you are staring at your beautiful reflection in the mirror, point at it and say "YOU ARE AWESOME!" everyday and you will believe it. then trim your nose hairs because they are looking pretty disgusting.

   it safe to say the guys who drive the little 4 cylinders with the loud ass coffee can muffler also have a tiny weenie?

   Sometimes I like to have a staring contest with my reflection in the mirror. It can go on for hours at a time but always ends in a draw. Well played reflection, well played.

   what good is my android when my toilets in a dead zone

   What idiot takes a cab from Philly all the way to Bel-Air? And then he has the nerve to complain about the smell afterward.

   I usually feel much better after I have evacuated all of the Westboro Baptist Church out of my colon

   I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.

   sexier than socks on a rooster.

   there is no better way to follow everyone in the world then here!!:) also I can save the money I spend on the van and candy!

   I've paid for my sins. Now give me my change!

   You had me at: I'm calling the police.

   feels all warm and fuzzy inside. Like I've swallowed a kitten.

   I would "like" many interests, tv shows, people, etc on facebook except I don't want to see the stupid wall posts I get as a result of it.

   China has won 16 medals so far in the following sports... Ping pong, trampoline, and badminton. I'm not complaining, just wondering why there's no sports like bowling, dodgeball or beer pong?

   NASA's robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer and porn, making it very clear that men are not from Mars..

   Make my heart skip a beat and I will rock your world. Make my period skip a month and I will collect your child support for the next 18 yrs.

   their a Jehovah Witness Protection Program?