Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To all the people who said that I'd never be able to write a joke about Bukkake: haha, in your face!

   Finished I couldn't believe it when my wife demanded sex the other night just before the start of the 100 meter's final but I have to say, I was pleased with my performance.I finished before Bolt.

   Handball - A sport for countries that suck at basketball and soccer

   My circle of friends is a dot.

   One time at a job interview, I was asked: "What can you bring to this company?" I told them: "paper clips, lots of paper clips"

   Honk if you're not in your car....... (My new bumpersticker)

   A recent study estimated that 8% of all Facebook accounts are fake… unless you count people's personalities, then that number jumps to 93%.

   My driver's side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I'm probably gonna starve to death..

   Whats the hardest part about being a roller blader? Telling your parents your gay.

   My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry... In my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry.

   When taking a picture of your mirror for posting it on facebook, please try to angle your camera a little or you'll end up in the picture. I see this mistake a lot

   Me: "I'll have a Coke please." Waitress: "Is Pespi okay?" Me: "Is Monopoly money okay?

   I am paranoid with an inferiority complex.. I fear that no one is following me..

   Sometimes it's better to keep what you know to yourself. You are not CNN.

   Atoms are what make us all Matter:)

   Dear CNN, Thankyou for putting Gu Kailal as Top news today-Syria

   That depressing moment when you're bored of every song on your phone.

   Looking at your textbooks and thinking, "What a waste of a tree".

   Remember me? I was your friend when you were single.

   I sleep less, I'm tired. I sleep more, I'm tired. Life is impossible.