Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I haven't spoken to my wife in 3days because she hates when I interupt her!

   More often than not, my feelings can be summed up with a simple "feh."

   Hey "hi how ah you" you,and your ignorant quotes about religion SUCK!

   When will Britain learn? They have a wedding, we kill Bin Laden...they have the Olympics, we land on Mars.

   The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.

   Fourth place is the first to regret giving up booze and drugs for 4 years.

   A.W.K. moment when Pakistan does not win any medals at the Olympics for 'Shooting'

   Watching the Olympics made me feel fat...then I saw a McDonald's ad and ate a big Mac!

   If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we're fucked.

   I always feel a little smarter when its kids week on jeopardy RJ :P

   This is a list of people who asked for your opinion.................

   If I didn't have internet I'd be asleep 4hrs earlier every night!

   The first person that started hiccuping must have been scared to death!

   If you don't want a Sarcastic answer don't ask a Stupid Question!

   There is nothing more awkward then when you take the last open urinal, then everyone else finishes up and leaves except you and the person next to you.

   Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!

   The world is made up of kids who can't wait to grow up...and adults who wish they hadn't.

   I just pictured my life.....and there isn't room for you in the frame.

   Scientists Say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons.. They Forgot to mention Morons..

   Second chances: When it just didn't hurt enough the first time.