Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't run often, but when I do, it's with arms and fingers completely straight, super-cool gymnast style.

   If Facebook has proved ANYTHING, it's that the love of your life is someone you've never actually met.

   They say a a dog is man's best friend, but I don't even have enemies that'll look me dead in the eye while taking a sh!t on my carpet.

   As a responsible parent, I like to teach my kids that it's not the person you hate...it's their guts!

   doesn't want to die, but if I have to, I hope to die in a way so spectacular they name a new piece of protective legislation after me.

   Oh my!! I just witnessed Napoleon Complex at its best. This guy in a lil' 4 cylinder Prius with a loud ass muffler just stole everyone's attention.

   Usain Bolt should be an unlockable character on Temple Run.

   How come tragic events never seem to happen to groups of clowns?

   SPOILER ALERT!!! Wish the Milk in my refrigerator had that on it

   76 Chinese Medals... imprint on back ....Made in China... Coincidence...I think NOT!

   I don't speak Brazilian, but my tongue knows its way around it.

   it appears as if Randy Travis has a major problem with alcohol... drunk, naked and threatened to kill the officers that arrested him last night for DUI... and a public intox. last Feb.? Wait, is he in the NBA or NFL???

   Whenever you're feeling down, remember; you're the sperm that won.

   If sex burns a lot of calories as the experts say, then Rick Ross must be a virgin.

   Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.

   Just took a sh!t in an envelope and sent it to Nicolas Cage. I think it'll be his best script yet.

   To think, millions of children go to bed every night without knowing what their Sleep Number is.

   Lots of woman stay in relationships just to have somebody around to kill spiders and open jars.

   Weren't the Olympics supposed to add bum fighting this year?!

   I was pulled over for driving a Ford Tempo without a cigarette in my mouth.