Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What the hell is humourous whit, and why would anyone brag about it?

   If only they had and Olympic event for Facebook, my FB friend would win Gold everytime in the Drama event..

   It amazes me how many people complain about privacy on Facebook than have there profile set to public. Morons!

   Each day of my life is like a chapter in a book.....deserving of a happy ending....

   I MAY have just clinched Olympic Gold,, by going 5 for 5,,, in my "popping the trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station." routine.

   Attention friends who don't understand humor,,, please do not attempt to reply to the posts of us who have humorous whit,,,, it's beyond your skill level.

   Whenever you refer to a "hot girl" in your story,,,, I'll say, "She wasn't that hot, But go on."

   Want to know something about me??? Well,,, ANYTHING a monkey points at,,,,, I will Immediately look at....

   What happens when you autotune Stephen Hawking?

   Well YES,,,, Actually, I've been published in Several bathrooms throughout the Northeast...

   I put a Justin Bieber's song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don't have to listen to that shit

   This place smells of sexual frustration, hopelessness, loneliness, disappointment Skittles & vodka. God it's good to be at home.

   I have decided I am going to write erotica for the elderly. Excerpts from Chapter 1: "He wondered why she took off her Dentures. Later he could not thank her enough."

   Entertain me with your boredom

   When asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."

   Whenever I'm bored I stop a stranger and ask "where am I?" and whatever they say I runaway screaming "Hahaha I'm a genius! I can teleport!"

   The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.

   I could probably beat Usain Bolt if we were both trying to get the last ice cream sandwich.

   Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline. Maybe it happened during a tragic accident. Regardless, stop staring, it's rude.

   Some feelings are hard to express, you just feel them.