Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes its just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.

   You really inspire me to be a bitter person.

   My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

   My 80 year young mother in law and I are fighting over who's gonna drive to the strip club..... priceless

   Toddlers have an uncanny ability to hear & repeat every cuss word you utter but ignore every suggestion on avoiding injury & imminent death.

   Why do people re-post the same status? It wasn't funny 2 days ago. It's still not funny today

   I want to be rich enough to realize that I can't buy happiness.

   David Boudia.... the first US man to win platform diving gold since Greg Louganis, and just as gay.

   I was looking for a romantic spot to watch the meteor shower, but I guess the strip club here doesn't have a skylight.

   Chad Johnson was arrested for domestic violence...apparently he beat the crap out of Randy Travis.

   it too much to ask to get my free stolen ppv stream in HD?

   When I see a parent who doesn't give in to their kids tantrum,,, I want to give them the medal of valor

   Knowing your family so well that you can tell who's coming down the stairs and walking through the house just by the sound of their footsteps.

   Me watching olympics: oh wow, that was impressive! Announcer: ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!

   "I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others." - The phrase that started Facebook

   I hope the Olympics teaches kids and parents that in real life you do not get a trophy just for participating.

   I hate you but I'm not in hate with you.

   If you had to die, this would be the best way... Clint Eastwood shooting you while Morgan Freeman narrates it.

   It's not a real relationship until you secretly start to hate each other.

   The three reasons for liking a status: 1) I agree with you. 2) I realize this is about me, of course I'm gonna like it. 3) I like you.