Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever make a list of dumb things I have done my ex would be right on top.

   I'm glad it's the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.

   Black guys and white guys never have more in common than when they're being yelled at in public by their girlfriends.

   Ive been eating eggs thinking they came from a egg plant. I'm going to be sick, now that I know where they really come from.

   China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch.

   It takes a big man to admit that his little sister outdrank him last night, so what I'm saying is, I'm really manly.

   Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.

   It's really very simple; I will love you unconditionally as long as you just do everything I say.

   You have no idea how hard it is to find three legged skinny jeans.

   Sometimes pretending to be busy takes more effort than being busy.

   Can't afford anti-depressants so I'm just drinking No More Tears® shampoo.

   Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.

   I really can't walk the walk or talk the talk but if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man.

   If it wasn't for Yahoo Answers, there's no way I could know this numb black foot was just a headache.

   I was just reading the obituaries there a some good houses coming on the market soon

   Oasis? Spice Girls? Fatboy Slim? I think the music director for the Olympics closing ceremony got ahold of my MP3 player from when I was in college 11 years ago.

   And now Keith Richards coughs on the Olympic cauldron... snuffing it.. forever.

   When a married couple stops having sex, at first they complain about it...but after awhile y'all get used to it. She walks out of the shower and you don't even look...because you know there is nothing there for you.

   If Facebook were an Olympic sport i'd be on the cover of a Wheatie's box.

   I spent an hour explaining how WiFi works to my dad and my dog... The dog gets it.