Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Probably the worst time to say "Or what?!" is when the cops are telling you to drop the gun and step out of the vehicle.

   "The best things in life are me." - Narcissists.

   Now that the Olympics are over, Michael Phelps can finally be released back to his natural habitat; the couch with a bong.

   Jumbo tampons and magnum condoms should be on the same shelf for chance meetings and match making purposes.

   Remember when I used to like you? Me neither.

   Earlier I dug into my couch cushions, found Wyclef's career and my long lost TV's remote. I put Wyclef's career back coz no one is looking for it.

   My relationship with my Ex was purely psychological... She was a psycho and I was totally logical.

   I went to church for confession. It's strange. I don't remember the priest's dialogue ever containing "The power of Christ compells you!" before.

   You'd think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it's a guy in a costume every time.

   Cats are so disgusting it makes them puke.

   I had to take a lie detector test at a job interview once. No I didn't.

   I feel bad that God made you so stupid, but no, I'm not doing extra work to keep you from looking bad.

   I once met a guy who wrecked himself. He was always bummed he hadn't checked himself first. So sad.

   Science will never impress me till I can pay a hooker by swiping my credit card down her ass.

   If I only had a gym at home so I could finally not go to that one either.

   Being in love is the smartest way of being stupid.

   Hell is just a place where they play Justin Bieber's music all day.

   Women are like Alarm Clocks. It's such a relief when they finally shut the hell up.

   I had so many great women in my life, yet I don't know where they're at... at least that's what I told the cops ;)

   On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.