Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wednesday... As most of you call it Hump day, I like to call it the 3rd Monday of the week.

   My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together. I sh!t you knot.

   My wife got naked and asked me to "show her a good time" so I showed her photos of me and my friends before we got married.

   If I was a woman with a perfectly good v@gina and my man wanted @nal, I'd probably question his sexuality.

   I would kill to see Rihanna go against Tyra Banks on a head butting contest

   How many Feminists does it take to finish this joke without offending anyone?

   You think Zelda would be a lot more "appreciative" of Link for saving her. The boy went through like 7 dungeons & caves, at least give him the sex he deserves.

   there proper etiquette on how long you have to wait for your wife outside of a store before declaring her dead?

   I'm one restraining order away from a free restraining order.

   Never noticed this, but, if you rearrange the letters in 'marriage' it spells 'hahahahahahahahahahahahaha'.

   I have a nagging feeling that I have a girlfriend.

   “You'd know what chocolate you get if you read the map on the inside of the box lid you Friggin Idiot!”...-My Dad watching Forrest Gump

   Trying to understand some people,,, Is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end...

   I love when you go to get a massage and they ask you where it hurts and you start crying cause it's your entire existence.

   The only thing I'd like for you to say behind my back is "Do you like that?"

   My most endearing quality would have to be knowing all the lyrics to Smash Mouth's "All Star"

   Liam Neeson: "I will find you and I will kill you." Kid: "Dad it's just hide-n-go-seek!" Liam Neeson: "Right. Sorry."

   Dear eyelashes, wish bones, dandelions, pennies in fountains, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles. YOU FAILED.

   Women....why does your purse need a seat of it's own?

   I like to zumba but usually its only because I'm either trying to put on my socks, tie my shoes, or put on my underwear!