Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People in ancient times believed that they were responsible for the changing climate. (human sacrifice to the gods) I’m so glad that we have advanced enough that we don’t believe in that nonsense anymore.

   If lost in the woods, build a shelter. The tax man will be there shortly.

   If you’re stranded in the middle of the ocean, don’t fart. Scramble the letters and make a raft.

   A guy limps into Dairy Queen and orders a strawberry sundae. The cashier asks, “crushed nuts?” and the guy says, “no, it’s just my bad knee.”

   I have finally figured out what's wrong with my brain - on the left there is nothing right and on the right there is nothing left...

   Somedays You just have to have an Attitude of Gratitude !

   Getting older is tough and I’ve tried to age gracefully but nothing prepared me for seeing Ice-T in a commercial for laundry detergent.

   Don't spell part backwards.. it's a trap

   Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

   No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.

   How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

   "Elon Musk" sounds like a new fragrance from Pierre Cardin.

   This thing of “Sorry babe I was sleeping” must come to an end. People must decide whether they want to sleep, or to be in a relationship.

   Masturbat¡on is like s€x, but without the smells and major clean-up.

   They don't need to microchip you. You're literally holding a tracking device right now.

   I’m trying to teach our self cleaning oven how to do the rest of the house.

   I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

   It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

   Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

   Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 10 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct.