Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I loveee how my iPhone looks without a case but it's too risky......

   Finally loses virginity. 3 more years left in prison.

   I'm making a bucket list, Some of the girls on my friends list are on it

   Somewhere in Kenya, a village is missing it's idiot

   Jersey Shore just got cancelled. Clearly an act of God. Your move, atheists.

   playing a game of pool with Prince Harry and some photographer from a tabloid newspaper. wish me luck

   If you can't be with the one you love, throw yourself into oncoming traffic

   Glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 10:00 AM on a Saturday.

   I bet deaf people get really confused when they talk to someone who is applying hand lotion...

   I always sit backwards on the toilet...got to have a place to sit my cereal!!! most important meal of the day ya know.

   Eminem is the only man in the world who could make fun of Taylor Swift without her writing a song about it."

   Sometimes I wish my life was more like a comedy and less like a drama

   Once they invent a vibrator that can also kill spiders, a lot of us are gonna haveta find a new place to live ツ

   Irony: Speed Dating at a Star Trek convention with the disclaimer “No Weirdos” on your profile

   As students return to campus, remember, college is a fountain of knowledge and students are there to drink.

   I wonder if chickens ever wake up feeling foul?

   I hate when couples say "we're expecting a baby" ... like you're not expecting an alien to rip out of your tummy? Oh okay, thought it was either one or the other.

   Where are you, Ray Nagel? New Orleans needs you! Said no one ever...

   A little boy asks his dad, "Is it possible to get AIDS from a public toilet seat?" His dad replies, "Only if you sit down before the other guy stands up!"

   After one too many remarks about her weight, my wife went berserk. She screamed, "If you keep up with these fat jokes, you'll drive me to suicide!" "Well I'd have to, you wouldn't walk would you?" I replied.